As you might have noticed from my last post – I am here. I have made it into the 2nd official week of life in the big Ger-Many, and the question that keeps plaguing me is:
I’m here. I’ve made it. All the planning that we’ve gone through in the last years has been successful. We have a roof over our heads (living with the MIL still counts, and our own place is in the works), we have food to eat, and we are financially okay. My husband is working, so we have income coming in, and my official visa should be available for pick up in the next few weeks.
In all the planning that we’ve done, one thing has remained unanswered: what – oh what – do I want to do career-wise? What do I want to be professionally? Do I even want to work professionally? Do I want to try to continue on in my career that I went to college for or do I want to start something new? Do I want to work for someone else again? Do I want to try to start my own business?
And of course let’s not forget probably the biggest question to plague any woman who is hoping to have kids in the next few years – how will my desires career-wise interact with our family life? How will I balance kids and work? Should I even balance kids and work? Should I already plan on being a stay-at-home or a work-at-home mom? Will staying home with my (future) kids drive me insane? Will working and letting someone else care for my kids daily tear-me-apart? Is it even worth starting a career (or continuing one) if I know I am hoping to have babies in a couple years and if I want to stay home with them? And what about after they are school aged? Will I feel like a failure, if I don’t have some sort of professional/career goals that I’m working towards? And – how do I balance desires career-wise with following God’s plan for my role in our marriage and our home?
Okay, okay. Let’s take a step back. I know, logically, that most of these questions do not need to be answered right at this moment in my life. I know, logically, that many of these questions don’t actually have a right answer, and that some of them may never have an answer. Most importantly, I know, logically, that I need God, and conversation(s) with my husband, in order to see what is best for our family and our future. There’s a hierarchy that comes into play here and it was put there for a reason: God first, husband second. They are the leaders in our family (in that order) and I trust the both of them. They will help me to see what it is that I am meant to do with this time in my life.
But, I mean, let’s be honest. I know all of those facts, logically and I believe them wholeheartedly, but my brain is very often anything but logical, and there is often a disconnect between my heart and my brain. Instead of resting quietly in God’s plan (even if I have no IDEA what that is), it wants an answer NOW. It wants to have my whole life planned out – right NOW! It wants plans and goals and dreams – NOW! Not next week or next month or next year – NOW!
Have you ever felt that way? Lost and scared and majorly overwhelmed by a life change or new career or joblessness? Let me know in the comments. And in the mean time – let’s all be thankful to a God who promises:
“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3 ~